


Ben Here

by missmissa85



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, F/M, Father-Son Relationship, Force Bond (Star Wars), Inspired by Avatar: The Last Airbender, Mother-Son Relationship, TROS Rewrite, TRoS Spoilers, making up how the force bond works because that's what the filmmakers did, only the murder montage remains
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-02-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:33:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22550278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missmissa85/pseuds/missmissa85
Summary: Kylo Ren recognizes his true enemy and refuses to be manipulated as his grandfather once was. Becoming Ben Solo again will not be an easy path to walk, but there has always been one person that has had faith in him, and together they will journey toward destiny.
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 4
Kudos: 18





	1. There Is Power

**Author's Note:**

> The Mary Sue posted an article about how dying at the last minute isn't actually what you'd call a redemption ARC and compared Ben's journey with that of Zuko from the utterly superb Avatar: The Last Airbender (the cartoon that has made me giggle every time I see cabbages, not the movie). So, this is my attempt at giving Ben an actual arc using the framework of some of the final film. The title is from A:TLA and that's about all I stole narratively from that.

Even as the smith reforged his mask, he knew he would not follow Palpatine as he followed Snoke. He had no idea what he was going to do even as he replaced the mask on his head. That was probably better. In his experience, things almost always worked out better when he made it up as he went along. He resisted the urge to make a decision firmly in his mind. He only thought about what he was doing while he was doing it. He uploaded the virus he’d purchased from Black Sun a year ago and set it to deploy in twenty-four standard hours. His fingers seemed to decide of their own accord to send a compressed file to a secure terminal on Chandrila. 

He stomped into the meeting with High Command followed by two of his knights and with his mask still on. He had to keep the illusion up to as many people as possible for as long as possible. Quinn questioned the idea of rooting out the Resistance and the last Jedi, and Ben threw him to the ceiling just to gauge the reaction of the room. Hux was getting worse at hiding his disdain. Parnadee was clearly frightened, but decided to flatter him in response. He was grateful his mask hid his rolling eyes. Pryde was interesting. He reacted in neither fear nor flattery. Pryde had been a young lieutenant at the end of the Clone Wars and quickly rose through the Imperial ranks and stayed loyal even as the Empire rebuilt beyond the Outer Rim. It was all so obvious, now; Palpatine’s intentions. He would not become another victim, and he wouldn’t allow her to become one either. He dispersed his knights and left orders and went to his ship and set a course.

He landed on Kashyyyk in the covered area he memorized the coordinates of when he was merely six years old. He powered down the ship completely and removed the wayfinder from the navigation. He removed the mask and the outer layers of his clothing until he was only left with his pants, boots, and black undershirt and tossed them inside the cockpit. He used his lightsaber to nick the fuel line and then let the energy set it alight. He stepped back in case the TIE exploded. He looked to the unlit saber in his hands as his ship burned. The crystal within had once called to him, but it was broken and bled as his spirit had broken and bled. He smashed the weapon against a stone until the casing broke open and the cracked kyber fell out. He picked it up and clutched it in his hand and tossed the remainder of his weapon into the inferno already consuming his ship. 

He turned away and traced the barely recognizable path through the dense forests until he came upon the small house he remembered from his earliest memories. The code to the door hadn’t changed and he was hit with smell of stale air and the few memories of warmth and acceptance from his father. It nearly buckled his knees and he gripped the door frame as he stepped through. A layer of dust coated everything. It wasn’t 20 years worth, so his father had been here within the last few years, probably not long after he lost the Falcon. He set the wayfinder and the kyber on the dusty countertop of the meager kitchen.

There was a chill in the cabin despite the temperate climate outside. He tried the heater a few times and it didn’t spark to life. The generator was probably out of fuel. There was a collection of firewood near an old hearth, though, and he had vague memories of Chewbacca teaching him to start a fire when he was young. It took him a while, but he did eventually manage to ignite the dusty wood and begin to banish the chill from the air.

He checked the chronometer on his wrist.He had eight hours until his virus launched, which meant that he had less than eight hours to reach her, and hopefully not alert Palpatine in the process. He sat down before the flames and closed his eyes. Meditation was not truly a discipline of the Dark Side, and he was severely out of practice. He conjured up an image of himself as a young boy at his uncle’s temple and began to recite words he once knew by heart: 

“There is passion, yet peace.

There is strength, yet serenity.

There is power, yet harmony.

There is chaos, yet order.

In life there is freedom.

In death there is purpose.

I will do what I must to guard the balance.

For the Force is all things, and I am the Force.”

He wasn’t sure how many hours passed before he felt the shift in the Force and she came into view before him. He couldn’t really see her surroundings other than the standard military cot on which she slept. He sighed in relief and scrambled to his feet, his legs aching from having been in one position so long.

“Rey,” he called out to her quietly, just above a whisper. She didn’t so much as stir.

“Rey,” he repeated at a slightly louder volume. Her breathing remained steady.

He hesitantly stepped closer and called her name again.When she didn’t respond, he reached out and let his fingers brush along the freckled skin of her exposed shoulder. He suddenly felt hot and cold at the same time, and a piece of his spirit he thought died on Crait ignited back to life. He almost missed seeing her hazel eyes shoot open before the Force hit him square in the chest and sent him into a metal shelving unit on the other side of the room.


	2. Yet Harmony

Rey was dreaming of a place that was sunny and green. Tall grass gave way to streams of blue water. A voice called out to her; a voice she secretly longed to hear.Then she felt a familiar jolt of hot and cold and walls she had carefully constructed in her mind crumbled to dust and her eyes shot open. He was there, looking down on her with an expression she hadn’t seen since the earliest moments of her connection to him. His face was open and curious, but her instincts told her it was only temporary. She pushed him away with the Force and summoned her lightsaber to her hand as she leapt from her cot.

He collided with something on his side of the bond that she couldn’t see and crumpled to the floor, winded and clutching his head.

“Ow,” he groaned as something rolled across the floor, only stopping when it hit her foot.

With the lightsaber ignited in her hand, she bent to pick the small object up. It was a clay disk no bigger than her palm carrying the imprint of a child’s hand. She could even make out the grooves of the fingerprints. On the back it said, “To Dad, From Ben” with the ‘e’ and the ’n’ carved in backward.

“What is this?” she asked, holding up the object.

He blinked up at her, still clearly disoriented. He withdrew his hand from his head. His fingers were coated in blood. He squinted at the object and a look of surprise passed over his features. He swallowed hard and said, “It’s...I made it in school when I was five, I think. I burned my fingertips because it hadn’t cooled enough, but I was rushing to give it to him before he left.He was always leaving. I can’t believe he kept it here.”

“Where is here?” she demanded, hoping he was still disoriented enough to answer.

He sighed and sat back, absently wiping the blood from his fingers onto his black pants.He looked her squarely in the eyes and said, “I’m at his cabin on Kashyyyk. If my mother doesn’t remember the coordinates, Chewie…Chewbacca certainly will.”

Rey blinked in surprise. “You’re just…telling me where you are? Do you think I’m foolish enough to just fall into a trap like that?”

He huffed and rolled his eyes. “It’s not a trap. I just spent,” he looked at the chronometer on his wrist, “shit! I just spent four hours trying to get through to you. You only have four hours left.”

“Four hours left for what? Is the First Order planning to destroying another solar system?”

He visibly shivered before shaking his head. “A virus is going to disable all First Order communications in four hours. Three hours and fifty-eight minutes, to be precise. They won’t even be able to scramble their fighters, much less call for reinforcements. The Resistance, or anyone for that matter, needs to attack them then.”

Her eyes narrowed as she watched him. He seemed smaller hunched on the floor, but his eyes were still full of the defiance she had come to know. “You’re the Supreme Leader,” she reminded him bitterly. “If you wanted to destroy them, you could have done it yourself. Why are you telling me any of this?” 

He looked up at the ceiling wherever he was and closed his eyes as he said, “Because I’m not the Supreme Leader.”

“Really? You didn’t kill Snoke to take his place?”

“You know why I did that!” he growled, surging forward. Before he could even make it to his feet, however, his eyes became unfocused and he caught himself roughly on the palms of his hands.

Rey could see the blood shining in his raven locks and trickling down the back of his neck. He was breathing hard and desperation was rolling off of him; more even than she felt on the _Supremacy_. She deactivated the lightsaber, set it aside, and knelt to be at his level. “Ben?” she called gently.

He looked up at her then with his eyes wide and lips slightly parted. Utter relief flashed across his features as he said, “It’s Palpatine. He was behind everything. He created Snoke and whispered in my ear, tortured my dreams. I found him.”

“How?”

“There’s a type of holocron called a wayfinder,” he explained, breath coming in labored puffs. “There are two. I found one of them in my grandfather’s fortress on Mustafar. It took me to planet called Exegol, and Palpatine was there. He’s being sustained by dark magic and machines, but he’s definitely alive. I meant to kill him.”

“Why didn’t you?”

Ben sat back on his haunches and scrubbed his face with his hands. “He made me an offer. He has a fleet of Star Destoyers; hundreds, maybe thousands. He doesn’t just want a new Empire. He wants a new Sith Empire. Exegol has the benefit of being nearly unreachable, but the drawback of those ships being unable to leave the atmosphere without a guide. He wanted the First Order to guide the ships from the atmosphere and to crush the last of the Resistance in the galaxy.”

“And you would be his new Vader? Just like you always wanted?” Rey asked, unable to keep the venom from her tongue.

His shoulders hunched inward making him seem smaller. “That’s not all he wants,” Ben said, his voice strained as though he was holding back a sob.

“What else could that monster possibly want?”

He looked directly into her eyes and she nearly flinched at the sharpness of his gaze. “He wants you,” Ben told her darkly.

“Why?” she asked, tears stinging her eyes as memories of their last conversation came unbidden to her mind. “I’m nobody, remember? I’m nothing!”

Ben recoiled as though she had physically struck him. The pallor of his skin took on a green tinge and he turned suddenly, heaving up the contents of his stomach.

Rey was thankful she didn’t have to see or smell the sick because he looked pitiful enough just struggling to breathe. All of the anger drained from her almost instantly. “Ben, I think you have a concussion,” she said, feeling guilty for having given it to him.

“Probably,” he said, wiping his mouth on the sleeve of his shirt. He slowly turned to face her and admitted, “I was wrong.”

“You’ve been wrong about a lot of things.”

“I wantedto believe your parents threw you away, like mine did.”

“Your parents didn’t—”

“They did,” he cut her off sharply, “but your parents didn’t. They didn’t sell you off for drinking money, or because they were afraid of you. They were trying to hide you…from your grandfather.”

Rey felt like she was sinking as the weight of Ben’s words settled in her soul. He didn’t say it, but he didn’t have to. Luke had seen the darkness and the power in her, and she had felt it too. She met his gaze and found him looking at her with a mixture of sadness and pity. He had never lied to her before; he hadn’t started with this. He understood what it meant to suddenly learn there was a history of evil in your veins. She closed her eyes against the tears already streaming down her face. When she opened her eyes, Ben was gone. She fruitlessly called his name as the door to her quarters slid open.

“Rey?” Leia’s voice asked gently.

She took a deep, steadying breath and gripped the clay disk in her hand more tightly. “It was Ben. He forced our connection back open to speak with me.”

“Are you all right? Did he hurt you?”

Rey looked up at the older woman through watery eyes. “Have you always had to little faith in him? Is that why he thinks you threw him away?”

The general was only taken aback for a moment before she firmly replied, “I found you on your knees in tears. What else was I going to think?”

Rey swiped the tears from her eyes and stood to face her master. “The First Order is going to lose all ship-to-ship communications in less than four hours. They won’t be able to scramble fighters or call for reinforcements. We need to do everything we can to disable their fleet.” 

Leia blinked at her with her lips slightly parted. “Did-did Ben tell you this? Why…why would he do that?”

“He set the virus himself,” Rey explained after a deep breath. “He found the Emperor. The voice isn’t a hoax. The Emperor wants to use the First Order fleet to guide his own fleet of Sith destroyers back to known space.” 

The usually solid woman shivered and sat down on the edge of Rey’s bunk. “And Ben…did Ben resist the offer?”

Rey shook her head. “Not for himself. The fleet wasn’t all Palpatine wanted. He wants me too.”

“Ah,” Leia said, looking away.

“Did you know?” Rey asked, unable to hold back a sob. “Did you know I was his granddaughter?”

Leia shook her head. “I couldn’t know for sure,” the older woman said. “I know from personal experience that the Force can be strong in family bloodlines, but that isn’t a guarantee of ability. Ben had more raw power than either Luke or myself and his father wasn’t Force sensitive, and neither was his grandmother. It’s not only about blood, Rey. It’s about who you are. I know that the Dark Side calls to you, that you can be short-tempered and prone to anger, but if I had known that someone like Palpatine was your grandfather, I wouldn’t have kept it from you. I learned from my mistake.”

Rey watched as the general covered her mouth with one hand and looked at the wall, seemingly lost in a memory. Rey took Leia’s free hand and pressed the clay disk into it before she pulled on her boots.

“How did you get this?” Leia asked, examining the object in her hand as if it had magical properties.

Rey hesitated as she strapped on her belt before answering, “I was asleep when he opened the bond and he was standing over me when I opened my eyes. I pushed him away with the Force and he hit shelf that was on and it rolled to this side.”

Leia blinked and a ghost of a smile crossed her face. “He’s on Kashyyyk? At Han’s cabin?”

“That’s what he told me,” Rey said, pulling on her vest and reaching for her staff in the corner. “There’s three hours and fifty minutes until the First Order loses communications. I know it’s not a lot of time, but I’m sure Poe will be more than happy to go blow something up with minimal preparation.”

Leia stood from the cot as a picture of composure even with the imprint of her son’s hand gripped tightly in her fingers. “Where do you think you’re going?”

Rey cocked an eyebrow at Leia’s disapproving tone. “He hit his head when I threw him across the room.He has a concussion. I’m going to bring him home.”

She turned to leave and felt a hand on her arm gently keeping her in place. Rey turned back to find Leia wearing an expression few got to see; she was worried.

“Rey, the last time I asked someone to bring my son home, I lost my husband. I don’t want to lose you too.”

“You’re not asking me to do this,” Rey reminded her. “He didn’t even ask me to do this. I’m going because it’s what _I_ want.”

Leia eyed the discarded lightsaber and said, “You’re not taking it with you?”

Rey followed her gaze and shook her head. “I haven’t earned it. Not really. And I’m not facing an enemy,” she said. “If you have no faith in your son anymore, I suppose that’s your right, but at least have faith in the intelligence he gave me. Three hours and forty-seven minutes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I read the novel 'Bloodline' recently and was very irritated with Leia throughout. I've worked with kids and teenagers my entire adult life now, and I've seen what happens when parents prioritize things over their children. I'm not talking about things kids want to do, by the way, I'm talking about the children themselves. That's what Leia (and even Han) did to Ben even before she sent him to Luke. She chose serving the galaxy over her own son, continues to do so in the body of the novel, and the plot of the films is the result. Was Ben killing his own father justified? Obviously not, but I believe Ben's attitude it completely justified.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	3. In the Eyes of the Father

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note: I know very little about concussions and neither does Ben Solo.

He must have passed out because she was gone when he opened his eyes. He was grateful he hadn’t landed in the puddle of his own sick as the acrid smell hit his nostrils and set off a new wave of nausea. He held his breath as he pushed himself off the floor. He nearly lost his balance again immediately and held onto the countertop of the meager kitchen to maintain some semblance of balance. He gripped the edge as he made his way to the sink. He wanted to lash out when he activated the faucet and no water began to flow. A voice that sounded strangely like his mother reminded him that anger would do him no good in this instance.

He took a deep breath to calm his added mint. Gritting his teeth, he tried to remember how the cabin got running water. It used a pump that brought water up from an ancient, underground river left untouched by the Empire’s occupation. The pump was powered by the generator he hadn’t bothered to check on.

He groaned as another wave of nausea overtook him and he coughed bile into the sink.He couldn’t recall the last time he ate, so it wasn’t a surprise that he had no more food in him to expel. He also knew that the pain settling in his being would only worsen without water. So he cleaned the sick up from the floor and tossed the old towels into the small compactor. Stumbling out of the cabin, he steadied himself against one wall as he made his way to where the generator was housed. He could smell smoke in the distance, but the flames hadn’t spread. He heard Wookies calling out to each other in the trees confirming that he had not burned down the forest, but provided a good enough distraction no one had noticed the empty cabin was occupied. 

The housing on the generator was intact, but the fuel gauge sat at ‘empty’. He wracked his brain to try and remember where his father had kept the fuel. He remembered a lecture about keeping valuable things protected and hidden. In the fading light, he saw branches haphazardly falling around large metal canisters a few steps away. He would have rolled his eyes if the action wouldn’t have made him pass out. He slowly made his way over. The faded labels still read fuel and he laboriously carried one over to the generator and filled it up. He sighed in relief as the old machine rattled to life and set off a mechanical hum in the area.

He walked slowly back into the cabin and made his way to the sink. He still had to wait several agonizing seconds before water sputtered from the tap. The water was brown at first, but it eventually cleared and he lapped at the flow like a wild animal. He spit out the first mouthful to take the taste of sickness from his tongue and swallowed the rest with an enthusiasm he didn’t know he still possessed. He bent himself nearly in half and tried to wash some of the blood out of the back of his hair. The sting of the water in the open wound made his arms shake.

_“Good. Use your pain, my young apprentice. Let it make you stronger.”_

He gasped at the sound of Snoke’s voice in his head and jumped back from the sink. The ill-advised action made him dizzy and he only just managed to catch himself on his palms before falling onto his backside. Even through his disorientation, he hurriedly looked around the cabin. He was alone. Hopefully, it would stay that way.

His hands were scraped from the debris from the bookcase, and he slowly got to his feet and shut off the tap before searching for a med-kit. His search of the living and kitchen area was fruitless, but he did find a nearly full bottle of Coreillian whiskey he could use as a disinfectant. He found a box for a med-kit in the refresher, but all that was inside was loose gauze. Sighing, he lumbered back into the living area with the box and dared to turn on a light. He pulled the cork out of the bottle of whisky with his teeth and poured part of the contents onto his hands as he stood over the sink. He hissed at the sting, but it was minimal compared to the burning sensation he felt when he poured the alcohol over the gash on the back of his head. He actually cried out and then immediately chided himself for such weakness. He’d experienced much worse in both body and spirit.

He pressed the gauze to the base of his skull to stem the fresh flow of fluid. Eventually, he ran out and just had to wait for the blood to begin clotting again. He couldn’t remember if the protocol for a concussion was sleep or deprivation. It was unlikely to matter for much longer either way. Destroying his ship meant the First Order couldn’t track him through technological means. It also meant he was trapped. The best case scenario, as far as he could see it, was that he starved to death before the Wookies discovered him and to him to shreds for murdering Han Solo. The worst case scenario was that in opening himself up to the Force to reach Rey, he had alerted Palpatine or the Knights of Ren to his position and they would find him before the Resistance could attack. He couldn’t decide whether or not the Resistance finding him would be good or bad. They would be unlikely to put him to death, but facing his mother might just be the worst thing that could ever happen to him.

The distant, buried part of his mind that still bothered with foolish notions like hope wished that Rey would come for him. He would take her hand without hesitation were she to offer it to him. But that would not happen. She had more than enough reasons to hate him. The fact that he had been the one to tell her the truth about herself had likely only made her hate him more. But he couldn’t withhold the truth the way his mother withheld it from him. That way led only to greater heartbreak.

No matter whatwas about to befall him, it would bring death of one kind or another. He found he was strangely at peace with that idea. He had never been wanted, never been good enough to live up to his bloodline for either Snoke or his family. It would all be better if he was dead.

He couldn’t recall sitting in front of the raised hearth of the fireplace, or burying his face in his hands as tears started to fall. For years, he felt as though he was being pulled in opposing directions: to the Light, and to the Dark. Sitting on the floor of his father’s cabin, however, he felt as though he had been ripped to shreds and there was nothing left but bone and sinew. He was not longer human; only a meal fit for dogs.

“Hey, kid.”

His breath caught in his throat. He dreamt about that voice when he was young waking him from his bed to fly him off to a grand adventure. For the last year, that voice haunted his worst nightmares, the ones that merely recounted his own worst deeds. He forced his head up and found his father standing over him with that ever-present smirk on his face.

“You’re not real,” Ben said, despite how solid the illusion appeared. “You’re just a memory.”

Han scoffed as he sat on the raised hearth next to his son. “Memories are real, kid.”

“I’m not a kid anymore,” Ben insisted, acutely aware of how petulantly like a child he sounded.

“I know,” Han replied gravely. “I’m sorry.”

Ben barked a mirthless laugh and looked pointedly in the opposite direction from where he could feel his father’s presence. “I’m the one who killed you, remember? What are you apologizing for?”

“For not being sure what you looked like as a man,” Han said quietly. “I’m sorry for sending you away all.”

“No, you’re not!” Ben yelled, turning to look at his father’s stricken face. “You _never_ wanted me!”

“Ben—”

“You were always afraid of me, of what I was. Having a child was just an anchor you never, _ever_ wanted!”

“Stop it! Listen to me. Just listen,” Han insisted, grabbing Ben’s face with both hands and forcing him to meet his eyes. “I was never afraid of you, I was afraid _for_ you. I was afraid because you had a target on your back. I was afraid because you weren’t enough like me to be safe from a monster like Snoke.”

_“You have too much of your father’s heart in you.”_

The words meant as a taunt from his former master seemed oddly comforting as he felt his father brushing the tears from his cheeks. “I wanted to be like you,” he admitted in a choked whisper.

Han smirked used the fingers of one hand to brush the hair from his son’s brow. “Gotta tell you, kid, you already are in a lot of ways.”

“I’m nothing like you,” Ben replied mournfully and without malice as he looked away.

Han shook his head. “You listened to bad advice, mad a lot of bad decisions, got in too deep with powerful and evil people, but ultimately decided to stick your neck out and do the right thing.” Chuckling, he continued, “Not to mention being attracted to a younger brunette that could kick your ass. It’s basically my life story.”

Ben’s ears started burning at his father’s mention of Rey, but he made himself meet his father’s kind gaze once more.

“Kid, you’re going to have a lot of regrets you’ve gotta live with now. I know I did. And there was nothing I regretted more than not fighting for you when I had the chance.”

Ben choked on a sob and rested his forehead against his father’s surprisingly solid knee. “You’re just saying what I want to hear.”

“No, I’m saying what you _need_ to hear,” Han said, gently stroking his son’s hair.

Ben held onto his father’s leg as he felt the other man start to shift. He didn’t want to lose the acceptance he had finally found. But he needn’t have worried. Han was only leaning down to wrap his arms around his son’s shoulders. 

“I love you, kid.”

“I know,” Ben whispered as darkness and warmth enveloped him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is, of course, a take on Han and Ben's conversation from TRoS, which was the only scene in the entire movie that managed to pull an emotional reaction from me...unless you count laughing hysterically when Maz handed Chewie that medal an emotional reaction. Anyway, since the context is different, and Han doesn't need to appear to spur Ben to any action, I hope I maintained the emotional resonance just dealing with their fractured relationship.
> 
> If you would like to read a really good cannon divergent take on Han and Ben's relationship, I suggest Run by Flaignhan: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22418311/chapters/53562508
> 
> Thanks for reading!!


	4. Found

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning for some pretty dark and suicidal thoughts from Ben later in the chapter. He has a lot of stuff to work through.

Rey knew Chewbacca would insist on coming as soon as she told him what she was doing. She was a little surprised he didn’t protest, or tell her that believing in Ben Solo was idiotic, but Chewie wasn’t judgmental. He was loyal. He wanted Rey to succeed in bringing Han and Leia’s son back to the Light a year earlier. He had supported her without question. She was glad that at least someone else would be on Ben’s side if she managed to talk him into coming back with her. Poe and Finn and the rest of them would be a much harder sell.

Even through hyperspace, the journey to Kashyyyk took a few hours. Four hours in, they received a coded message from the Resistance: the attack had been a success. The meager Resistance resources had deployed throughout the galaxy obliterating three Star Destroyers. While that was far from completely inconsequential, it wouldn’t have been a crippling blow had the Resistance not managed to severely damage and disable the _Finalizer_ , an act that would no doubt destabilize the First Order’s remaining command structure. The First Order’s shipyard on Coreillia had been utterly destroyed; a report that surprised Rey as she had no idea that the Resistance had any operations in that sector at all. But the general always did seem to have an ace up her sleeve. Rey supposed that’s what had made her such a canny politician.

A low moan that garbled in Rey’s ears permeated the space. She narrowed her gaze toward him and said, “I didn’t catch that.”

< He’s just like his father. >

“Really? How so?”

< He does the right thing. After doing the wrong thing. A lot. >

Rey felt a smile tug at her lips. In the very brief time she had known Han Solo, she believed Chewie’s description to be more than apt. And it was seemingly becoming true of Ben as well.

“What was he like? Ben, I mean. Before…”

Chewie let out a mournful wail with no particular meaning in Basic. < He was quiet, but curious. He didn’t rage or break things until he was older and faced the cruelty of the other schoolchildren. He always had the nightmares, though. >

Rey shuddered. The dreams she’d had of the island on Ahch-To seemed cruel when she had to wake up in a desert each morning. She couldn’t imagine the terrible images Palpatine must have forced on Ben as a child.

< Han didn’t want to send him away. >

“Then why didn’t he fight for him?”

< He wasn’t a Jedi. >

“He was still Ben’s father.”

< I know. It was always his biggest regret. He always tried to teach and care for the pilots and young smugglers he’d meet because he couldn’t do that for his own cub. >

“Is that…is that why you’re not angry with him?”

< I am angry with him. But I love him. That’s what matters more. >

The proximity alert sounded and Rey dropped them out of hyperspace before transferring the controls to Chewie. Her copilot’s home planet was a strange mixture of green and gray. Rey knew the Empire had ravaged the world of its resources. Clearly, it was still recovering. Chewie flew them to the side of the planet in twilight and lowered them through the atmosphere. Rey couldn’t make out much detail from between the trees as they landed in a clearing barely large enough to contain the _Falcon._

Other Wookies emerged from the trees as they came down the ramp into the temperate forest. Rey had no problem understanding Chewbacca alone, but she found the conversation of multiple Wookies roaring over each other was nearly impossible for her to follow. She picked up that the newcomers knew exactly who Chewbacca was and that they had found a First Order TIE Interceptor burning a few clicks to the north. Something twisted inside of her at that news. She came because she could see that Ben was in no fit state to fly himself out. She hadn’t expected to discover that he had trapped himself. She didn’t want to think about what would happen if she and Chewie hadn’t come.

The Wookies told them there was someone in the abandoned cabin in the next clearing, and Chewbacca bid them guard the ship until they returned, and they set off through the tall trees. The closer they got, the more Rey felt Ben’s spirit through the Force. It was different now. The conflict she had felt within him was gone. There was still darkness, but it was not warring against his nature. She could also feel how weak he was, like the life force was ebbing from him. She couldn’t control herself when the cabin was in sight, and set off for it as a jog.

“Ben! Ben, it’s me. It’s Rey! Open the door!”

She sensed no movement, and panic started to rise in her chest. Chewie shove her out of the way and punched a code into the panel. The door slid open and Rey rushed in ahead of the Wookie. The main living area of the cabin was littered with debris from a broken collection of shelves. The fire in the fireplace had burned down to cinders, and figure in black was crumpled and curled up in the hearth at awkward angles.

“Ben!” she cried, falling to her knees at his side. Blood still stained his neck in uneven splotches, and she could smell the alcohol still clinging to his hair. His eyes were closed as she pushed his black locks from his face. He seemed to shiver even though his skin was hot to the touch. She looked around and saw the abandoned med kit, saturated gauze, and nearly empty bottle of whiskey. He’d at least tried to treat the wound she had given him, but was far from successful.

Chewie let out a wail and gathered Ben up in his arms. When Ben’s presence was far enough away, Rey could feel something else in the cabin. She looked to the kitchen area and saw a pyramid-shaped object glowing red. She approached it cautiously. She had seen it before in the texts. Ben had called it wayfinder. A cracked red crystal was next to it. Rey’s heart clenched. Not only had Ben trapped himself on Kashyyyk, he’d left himself without a weapon. With the head injury, Ben would have been nearly defenseless if anyone else had come looking for him. She wrapped the objects in a rag and followed Chewbacca’s path back toward the _Falcon_. 

Chewie deposited Ben into one of the medical bunks before making his way to the cockpit. He made short work of lifting them off from the ground as a group of Wookies waved them off. Rey set her bundle aside and pulled out a fully stocked med kit from the storage cabinet. As they broke through the atmosphere, she found the gash at the base of his skull that was still seeping blood. She used a bacta spray to seal it and start the healing on any of his internal injuries. He didn’t stir other than to continue shivering slightly despite the heat rolling off his skin. She found an antibiotic injector and pressed it to the juncture between his neck and shoulder while she held onto the other his face from the other side. That action roused him suddenly, and his eyes shot open. Rey felt as though something was suddenly buzzing beneath her skin as she held onto him. But he he sat up suddenly and moved to the other side of the bunk like a frightened animal.

“Ben, it’s all right. You’re safe,” Rey said, reaching for him.

“Don’t touch me,” he said, his voice rough and harsh while his eyes simply looked scared.

She pulled her hand back and said, “I’m sorry. Does it hurt?”

He shrunk back from her further and said, “No. Not physically.”

Rey felt something sting within her at the thought he now found her touch repulsive.

Chewie roared a short warning and they braced themselves as the ship leapt into hyperspace. Ben paled and his stomach contracted wildly as he gripped the bulkhead until his knuckles turned white. He took several slow breaths in through his nose and out through his mouth before the tension ebbed from the rest of his body.

“Why…why are you here?” he asked with great effort.

Rey’s brow furrowed at the question. “You were hurt. And you just disappeared. I thought you might have passed out or…” She decided to leave the thought of him dying unsaid.

“I did pass out,” Ben admitted, staring at an empty spot on the floor. “Came to and turned on the generator and tried to clean the gash on my head. Med-kit was empty, though. Then I saw…then I started seeing things. I must have passed out again.”

Rey worried her lip as she tried to decide what to say next. Ben seemed determined to stare a hole in the floor rather than meet her gaze. Finally, she settled on, “It worked, by the way; the sabotage to the First Order. Three star destroyers were, well, destroyed, the _Finalizer_ has been severely damaged and the shipyards on Corellia are gone.”

He looked up at the last piece of news. “The shipyards? Really?”

“I was surprised, too. I suppose there was a cell in the area.”

“There isn’t,” Ben huffed, shaking his head. “She must have made a deal with Crimson Dawn.”

“The crime syndicate? Your mother wouldn’t do that,” Rey protested.

“My mother will do what _she_ thinks is best regardless of whether it’s right or not for those involved,” Ben replied, fire in his eyes as he met Rey’s gaze. “Besides, she has something in common with the leader of Crimson Dawn.”

Rey wanted to roll her eyes at Ben’s open animosity toward his mother. Perhaps it was because she could hardly remember her parents, but she knew she wouldn’t waste time being angry if she could just see them again. “What could your mother possibly have in common with a crime lord?”

“The leader of Crimson Dawn is a woman,” Ben corrected imperiously, “and, like my mother, she also slept with Han Solo.”

Rey choked on air and her eyes widened involuntarily. The feeling of shock abated, however, when she caught the arrogant look on his face; the same one she saw the rainy evening he agreed that he was a monster. He liked that he could stun her, and she wanted to slap him for it.

“How-how would you even know something like that?” she demanded.

< Han would over share when he was drunk. >

Rey watched as all the arrogance and bravado fell from Ben’s face as he looked up to meet Chewie’s gaze. For so large a person, Chewie had moved silently into the _Falcon_ ’smain cabin. His sudden appearance startled Rey, of course, but Ben actually looked terrified. He swallowed hard, recovering some of his courage, and looked at Rey without actually meeting her eyes. “Could you give us the room? Please?” he asked, his voice small.

Her eyes darted between them. Chewie’s gaze was locked unrelentingly the man he’d loved as a nephew. There was sadness in his dark brown eyes, but she could see the anger she knew to be there also. Ben might have the Force at his disposal, but his eyes were blank as though he had already accepted death. Some instinct made her stretch her hand out to comfort him, but he flinched and stared at her offered hand as though it was a blade. Rey pulled back with tears stinging her eyes and nodded to Chewie before going to the cockpit and sealing the door behind her. She dug the heels of her palms into her eyes to keep the tears from falling and took deep, steadying breath.

The buzz beneath her skin was still there, and she had found it strangely comforting; as though she had found something she had forgotten she had lost. It hurt some place deep inside of her that Ben didn’t feel it the same way.

She sent a coded message to Leia letting her know they had found Ben and then curled up in the pilot’s seat to catch up on the sleep Ben Solo had so rudely interrupted.

* * *

He felt a delightful buzz beneath the surface of his skin at the sensation of her hand on his face. It was comforting and warm and he knew he didn’t deserve those feelings. He shrank back from her and pretended the hurt in her eyes was in his imagination. He took some small enjoyment from damaging the pedestal that Rey, like a lot of the galaxy, had put his parents on. His enjoyment, however, crumbled to dust when he realized Chewbacca had joined them. A part of him wanted to think of the Wookie as ‘Uncle Chewie,’ but he knew that was impossible. No one alive could possibly want to be Ben Solo’s family anymore.

He knew Rey was reluctant to leave, but he couldn’t stand to be in her warmth while Chewbacca’s stare sent a chill down his spine. When she was safely ensconced in the cockpit, Chewbacca let out a low moan that translated to one word: why?

The part of him that was like his father wanted to reply, ‘Why what?’ That, he knew, would only prolong the inevitable, and he just wanted the agony to end. “I thought it would fix me; make the hurt go away,” he admitted, still staring at the empty spot on the floor.

< Did it? >

Ben shook his head and let his eyes drift toward the cockpit. He could feel her still; her presence both a balm and a blade to his soul. “I saw him, my dad, in the cabin,” Ben mused. “He just told me what I wanted to hear. I know he wasn’t real.”

< Cub—>

“You should have gone for the head when you shot me,” Ben said coldly, turning to face Chewbacca. “I’m just another failure in a line of failures. I shouldn’t have been born. I shouldn’t be alive now. I-ow!”

Chewbacca had smacked him, though with much less force than Ben knew him to be capable of. The fresh, banta-infused skin on the back of his head strained, but didn’t break. He hissed from the shock and pain and met the Wookie’s eyes for the first time.

< You don’t get to take the easy way out, Cub. You did wrong and now you get to fix it. You get to hurt and feel every bit of what you’ve done. You get to live with it. That’s what you deserve. >

Tears clouded his vision before running freely down his face. “Why-why don’t you hate me?”

Chewbacca knelt down to be eye level with him. < You’re what’s left of him. I can hate the things you’ve done, but I can never hate you. >

Ben sobbed as he fell forward, his hands fisting in Chewie’s fur. The Wookie wrapped his large arms around Ben and made soothing noises deep in his throat that were both meaningless and comforting. Ben wasn’t sure how long they stayed that way before he was able to breath normally again.

< Go take a shower, > Chewie said as he let go. < You stink. >

Ben laughed, almost startling himself with the unfamiliar sound before he pushed himself off the bed and made his way through the familiar corridors of his father’s ship.

**Author's Note:**

> questions? comments? just wanna chat? you know what to do.


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